my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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