I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
