Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Im part way to drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
