He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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