My hair reeks of homosexuality.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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