Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
