i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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