If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
