May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
