i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
