At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
