oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
it hurts more in the daytime
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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