Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
