Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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