Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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