Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
