and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We left the knife in your bed.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
