Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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