so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
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The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.