Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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