im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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