Welp...herpes.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
