I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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