Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
