Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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