good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
