you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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