all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
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He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
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I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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