The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
