i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
