I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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