Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
