At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
