I can text with my tongue
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
