the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
