I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
