I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
