I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
