he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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