shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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