rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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