She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
