my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
