Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
