her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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