and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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