you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
