Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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