Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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