can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
