so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
