the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
