party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
