I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
